A rooster and a gentleman

It is with heavy heart that we announce the passing of longtime Goat Rope Farm resident, bantam rooster and noted free market economist Dr. Denton "Denny" Dimwit. Dr. Dimwit was a frequent contributor to Goat Rope, where he eloquently defended unrestricted capitalism.

I can honestly say the Dr. Dimwit was by far the most intelligent spokesperson for this school of thought that I have ever encountered. For real. I mean it.

By way of tribute, we republish one of his earlier commentaries which is representative of his body of work and scholarship:

FROM THE GOAT ROPE ARCHIVES: DENNY DIMWIT ON THE RECESSION

For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we welcome back bantam rooster and noted free market economist Dr. Denton "Denny" Dimwit. Dr. Dimwit is director of the Goat Rope Farm Public Policy Foundation, a fellow at a number of conservative and libertarian think tanks, and a senior economic advisor to the Bush administration.

It is our hope that by providing (bio)diverse viewpoints, we will elevate the level of discourse, promote a climate of deep mutual respect, and reduce the tragic polarization of our times.

THE DIMWIT DISPATCH

Crudawackadoodledoo! Jeez, this blog just keeps getting stupider. I just ate a more intelligent bug. It's about time you had somebody cool on here.

And what's all this stuff about a recession? Suck it up, crybabies! The market knows what it's doing and if it kicks you in the nads, deal with it. You don't need to extend unemployment benefits--you need to get rid of them! If people are stupid enough to lose their jobs they just need to find another one.

Besides, if you give money to poor people, they're just gonna waste it on living.

The only thing the government should do is privatize stuff. And they should contract that out too.

And all this stuff about a stimulus? I'll show you a stimulus. Check out the picture. The handsome little guy in the background is me. Now check out what's in front of me. See that BIG hen? Yeah, man! That's what I'm talking about. And she's with me! Got it?

That's all the stimulus I need to jump start my economy. That's the beauty of the market.

And that's the truth. You bet your cloaca.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

A blast from the past

(Note: while combing through the Goat Rope archives, I came across this post from a couple years ago that seemed appropriate for this time of year. El Cabrero is all about recycling.)

For first time readers, this blog generally discusses fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are not altogether pleased to feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. The views expressed by this contributor and other talking animals are not necessarily those of the staff of Goat Rope, nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon these views. In fact, we believe that doing so would be a particularly bad idea in this case.

Despite our reservations, we have decided to run this commentary because of our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear. It is our hope that providing space for the expression (bio) diverse viewpoints will promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE ON CURING WINTERTIME BLUES

Hey you--with the face. C'mere. You look like hell. I think you got a case of SAD. That stands for Sorry @$$ Dude--I mean Seasonal Affective Disorder. This winter weather must be killing you. You look kind of dead already.

I won't even talk about shrinkage...

Look at me--see any snow here? Do I look like an icicle? I'm warm as can be. I have this special force field all around me that keeps me nice and toasty. I got my own sunshine.

You know how I do it? I got this special ointment, see. It's made from platypus urea--a top secret recipe. All I gotta do is rub a little on me and it's permanent springtime. You could use a little of that.

Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I've got a little vial on me. I'll let you try it free. Let's see...where did I put it. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth.

All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just a little bit. Come on, go ahead. Just for a second...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! OK, fine--I hope you shrivel up and freeze! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Weekend special--the untrustworthy reptile returns

Editor's note: It is the policy of this blog on occasion to provide space for the contributions of several of the animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This holiday weekend we are not entirely pleased to note the return of one such commentator, a snapping turtle who declines to give his name and is known only as The Untrustworthy Reptile. We hesitate to take this step but feel compelled to do so given our strong commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to animals is unclear.

We must also once again remind the reader that the management of this blog assumes no liability for anyone who actually takes the advice of any such animal.

(Regular posts will resume Monday, Nov. 30 if the creek don't rise too high.)

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS CURE FOR HOLIDAY OVEREATING

Hey you there. Yeah, the one who looks like a blimp with feet. Jeez, you look like you're about to pop. Looks like somebody's had their snout in the trough a little too long.

Lucky for you I'm here. I have a simple remedy for overeating that'll take away that bloated feeling and make you look like a human again, not that that's any great shakes. It also fights aging and tooth decay and makes you irresistible to people you think are hot.

Let me see...where did I put that. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's in my mouth. Way back there. All you gotta do is put your fingers part way in just for a second or two. Come on, reach right in there just for a little second...

Hey! Where are you going! Come back here! I hope you do pop--I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

A voice from the beyond

For first time visitors to this blog, it is our policy to write about fairly serious human issues during the week. On the weekends, however, anything goes.

This weekend, we are pleased to feature a review by one of our many animal contributors, the late Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay). Mr. Sege was, until his untimely demise this winter, the official canine film critic of Goat Rope Farm.

While going through various papers connected with his estate, we discovered one of his very last works, a review of the film Mama Mia. It is our pleasure to offer this item to our readers.

Note: while we don't mean to speak disrespectfully of the departed, we must remind the reader that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whilst chasing a squeaky toy and was known to occasionally transpose the plots of the films he reviewed. Nevertheless, we believe that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensated for this regrettable shortcoming.

THE (LATE) CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "MAMA MIA"

OK, so this movie is kind of based on the music of some band. I think it was like Bach or Bachman Turner Overdrive or something like that. Or maybe it was Pink Floyd...

Anyway, there's this girl who is about to get married and is sending out invitations. She doesn't know who her dad is but she read her mom's old diary and narrowed it down to three guys.

One of them goes back to Vietnam to bust out the POWs. Another is this monster robot from the future. The third one is fighting off some mummy called Imhotep. But the thing is, all three of them want something from the Wizard. The POW guy wants a brain, the robot wants a heart and the other guy wants some kind of spray to keep mummies away.

When they all get to the wedding, they find out they really had what they wanted all the time. All except the girl, who gets to marry Mr. Darcy instead.

I could see that coming a mile away.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

The Untrustworthy Reptile offers a way out of the recession

For first time visitors to this blog, it is our practice to devote weekday posts to fairly serious human issues. From time to time, however, we open this space to include commentaries by animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

We are not entirely pleased to run this commentary by an occasional visitor who declines to give his proper name and is referred to around these parts as the Untrustworthy Reptile.

His appearance on this blog does not imply an endorsement of anything he may say and we further must deny any liability for consequences, medical or otherwise, that may follow from taking the advice he offers. Indeed, we only allow this commentary to be published because of our reverence for the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is unclear.

Without further ado, we present

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE'S ECONOMIC RECOVERY PLAN

Hey you! Yeah, the funny looking one. C'mere. I got something for you.

You know how the economy is in the toilet? All those jobs lost. All those banks going under. All those foreclosures. All that debt. Well, you know what? There's an easy way out.

That's right. I just happen to have in my possession my own economic recovery plan that would put everybody back on Easy Street in no time. And it's painless and so simple nobody could possibly be against it. Everybody would wind up smelling like a rose.

Wanna see it? I've got it right here. It's in my mouth. Way back there.

Just put your hand right in. C'mon, reach for it. Just put it part way in for a second...

Hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back here! I hate you! I hope you starve!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Dog gone

It is with sadness that we relate the passing of a regular contributor to this blog, Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay), who died of multiple systems failure.

Mr. Sege was the official Goat Rope Farm canine film critic. A rescue dog with multiple medical issues, some of which were compounded by head injuries incurred whilst chasing squeaky toys, Mr. Sege found enjoyment in watching and discussing cinema.

Regular readers of this blog will be glad to know that Mr. Sege has a number of as yet unpublished reviews. At the time of his demise, he had just completed critiques of The Dark Knight and Mama Mia.

We hope you will join us in wishing Mr. Sege a fortunate rebirth in the Pure Land of Amida Buddha, where he will be able to pursue enlightenment under the most favorable circumstances, a process that is likely to be somewhat protracted.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: HALF MAST

An old holiday favorite

What would the holiday season be without favorite reruns? In that spirit, Goat Rope is pleased to once again feature a 2006 contribution by boxer and official Goat Rope Farm film critic Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor Shegg-AY).

Once again, we must remind our readers that Mr. Sege sustained a head injury whilst crashing into a wall chasing a squeaky toy. As a result, he sometimes transposes the plots of the films he discusses. (His fondness for holiday libations is doesn't help). Nevertheless, we are convinced that his insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.

It is our hope that these weekend features will help to elevate the level of public discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"

OK, so this is like everybody's all time favorite Christmas movie. It's about this Jimmy Stewart guy, except he's pretending to be someone else. That's acting, which sometimes happens in movies.

After he loses a bunch of money and thinks he messed up his whole life, he thinks about killing himself. But just before he throws himself into the river, this big twister comes and picks up his house and drops it on a witch. Only her feet are sticking out. And these little people are real happy about it.

Glenda the Good Witch tells Jimmy/the other guy that he needs to go see the Wizard to figure it all out with this angel named Toto who wants to get his wings.

Toto kind of looks like a squeaky toy to me.

So anyway he takes off on the Yellow Brick Road and is joined by some hobbits, an elf and a dwarf. They have to fight off a lot of orcs and trolls, which is kind of cool.

Moomus and Doodus say I look like a cave troll...

So anyway, they finally get to the wizard and destroy the ring. And when the bell rings, Jimmy gets his wings and goes back to Kansas.

And here's the thing: he could have got there all along.

The cinematography is outstanding. This is a technical film critic thing, but it's like in these old movies they take a bunch of pictures and show them quickly so it looks like people are moving around. So it looks like there are people moving around.

They say if you play Pink Floyd's The Wall while watching this movie you get real confused and depressed.

I think that's only true if you run out of popcorn.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer explained

As the holiday season approaches, Goat Rope is pleased to offer some insightful discussions of some of the most beloved television Christmas specials. Our canine commentator is none other than Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay), official film critic of Goat Rope Farm.

(We must remind the reader that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whilst chasing a squeaky toy and has since been known to transpose the plots of the films he discusses. Nonetheless, we are convinced that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.)

It is our hope that features such as this will elevate the level of cultural discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "RUDOLPH"

OK, so like this one comes on every year and is the coolest Christmas special ever.

There's this reindeer named Rudolph, see, and he wants to help pull Santa's truck, which is really a robot in disguise. But see, he has this red nose when he comes home from college. This guy tries to tell him to get into plastics but he goes off with Mrs. Robinson instead and I got confused after that part.

Anyway, Rudolph has this little elf friend who wants to be a dentist but he gets eaten by a talking plant after being mean to his girlfriend. The other elves don't think he's very good at making toys after that.

Then there's this abominable snowman who runs around scaring people because he wants to win this disco dancing contest with his partner, who is Mrs. Claus. Santa can't do it because he's trying to get home from the Civil War. They win the contest but the mummy runs off with the prize.

It was kind of predictable if you knew the song.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Weekend special: the canine film critic comes out of retirement

As the holiday season approaches, we are pleased to announce the return of a favorite Goat Rope contributor. Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay), a boxer who is the official film critic of Goat Rope Farm, has agreed after lengthy negotiations to once again favor us with his contributions.

(We must remind the reader that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whist chasing a squeaky toy and as a result has been known to transpose the plots of the films he discusses. Nonetheless, we believe that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.)

This weekend Mr. Sege will review a perennial holiday favorite, "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It is our hope that (bio)diverse features such as this will elevate the level of cultural discourse.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS"

OK, so this is an awesome movie. Charlie Brown is like this cartoon guy who plays baseball and football but not too well. He's got all these cartoon people around him and a cartoon dog named Rambo.

Anyway, he gets all bummed out because Christmas is so commercialized. So he decides to become the liberator of Scotland. He finds this sad looking Christmas tree but when they decorate it it looks good until he gets caught by the English who really start to mess him up.

Just when it looks really bad, he/she teaches all the other nuns to sing rock and roll songs. Everybody loves it, even the English, so they let him go. That's how come he got to be a pet detective.

The movie is really symbolic or something. The guy with the blanket is really a cop and his sister is the giant monkey who got shot of the Empire State Building. That's what Christmas is really all about.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Weekend special: Denny Dimwit on the economic crisis

In view of the current economic crisis, Goat Rope has invited a veteran animal commentator to shed light on the situation. Long-time readers will no doubt remember bantam rooster and noted free market economist Dr. Denton "Denny" Dimwit.

Dr. Dimwit is director of the Goat Rope Farm Public Policy Foundation, a fellow at many libertarian and conservative think tanks, and has served as a senior economic advisor to the Bush administration. His credentials are such that we feel very honored to have him as our resident scholar (and are somewhat surprised that he hasn't been hired by WVU).

It is our hope that, by providing space for (bio)diverse viewpoints, we are elevating the level of public discourse and creating a climate of mutual respect and deep listening.

DENNY DIMWIT ON THE RECESSION

Crudawackadingdong! What's all this stupid crap you've put in this blog lately, anyway? I've picked the seeds out of better piles than this!

All this whining about a recession--get over it! The market knows what it's doing. It always does. It knows everything. And if the market wants to dookie in your dinner bucket, suck it up!

Extending unemployment benefits and regulating the financial industry? No way! Haven't you dingles ever heard of supply and demand? They always balance out--see? And that's good for everybody, even if you're dead.

I can prove it empiroeconomicallistically. Check out the picture. The handsome little guy in the front is me. Pretty sharp, huh? I bet you wish you were more like me--too bad that's not going to happen.

OK, so I represent demand. Now, check out who's in the picture with me. That's right, I'm talking BIG hen. Ginormous. Yowza! She represents supply--and she's with me, bub, got it? That's what I'm talking about. That proves there's no problem. Perfect equilibrium, baby!


That's the beauty of the market. And that's the truth. You bet your cloaca.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE CANINE FILM CRITIC ON "THE QUEEN"

Note to first time visitors: It is the policy of this blog to cover fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we welcome back a perennial favorite, boxer and official Goat Rope film critic Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay). The reader should be reminded that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whilst chasing a squeaky toy and has been known on occasion to transpose the plots of the films he discusses. Nevertheless, we are convinced that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.

It is our hope that (bio)diverse features such as this will elevate the current level of cultural discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "THE QUEEN"

OK so this movie was kind of a disappointment cause I thought it was going to be about Freddie Mercury. But there wasn't any Bohemian rhapsody.

Instead, it was about this queen woman who doesn't even look like Freddie. Her daughter in law who she didn't really like that much got really messed up in a pro boxing fight, which I guess means she can't run for president.

I was kind of surprised since I thought Mr. Miyagi taught her better than to get beat up.

So after she gets really jacked in the ring she becomes this schoolteacher in LA who tries to teach kids not to hate each other. At first they're like all mean to each other but then they work it out and break into this big casino and make a lot of money.

That part was awesome but it would have been better with Freddie. Moomus and Doodus say everything goes better with Freddie.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: DENNY DIMWIT ON THE ECONOMY

For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we welcome back bantam rooster and noted free market economist Dr. Denton "Denny" Dimwit. Dr. Dimwit is director of the Goat Rope Farm Public Policy Foundation, a fellow at a number of conservative and libertarian think tanks, and a senior economic advisor to the Bush administration.

It is our hope that by providing (bio)diverse viewpoints, we will elevate the level of discourse, promote a climate of deep mutual respect, and reduce the tragic polarization of our times.

THE DIMWIT DISPATCH

Crudawackadoodledoo! Jeez, this blog just keeps getting stupider. I just ate a more intelligent bug. It's about time you had somebody cool on here.

And what's all this stuff about a recession? Suck it up, crybabies! The market knows what it's doing and if it kicks you in the nads, deal with it. You don't need to extend unemployment benefits--you need to get rid of them! If people are stupid enough to lose their jobs they just need to find another one.

Besides, if you give money to poor people, they're just gonna waste it on living.

The only thing the government should do is privatize stuff. And they should contract that out too.

And all this stuff about a stimulus? I'll show you a stimulus. Check out the picture. The handsome little guy in the background is me. Now check out what's in front of me. See that BIG hen? Yeah, man! That's what I'm talking about. And she's with me! Got it?

That's all the stimulus I need to jump start my economy. That's the beauty of the market.

And that's the truth. You bet your cloaca.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: INTRODUCING PARANOID CONSPIRACY THEORY ROOSTER

For first time visitors, it is the policy of this blog to cover fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are pleased to introduce a new commentator who is known only as Paranoid Conspiracy Theory Rooster. He declines to give his real name due to possible retaliation from "the Freemasons, the Rosicrucians and the Bavarian Illuminati."

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed by this or any other talking animal are not necessarily those of Goat Rope management and staff. Rather, it is our hope that (bio) diverse features such as this will promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

PARANOID CONSPIRACY THEORY ROOSTER SPEAKS

Hey--this has gotta be quick. I want to tell you this before THEY try to stop me. They've got me boxed in here. You know why? It's cause I'm onto them. I figured it out.

There was a crop circle in the garden here last year. That's right,baby--UFOs. And the government's in on it! First they tried to fool us with that bogus Apollo moon landing way back in 1969. That was just to get us to take our eyes of the ball, see?

The UFOs are here as part of the New World Order. That's when the United Nations goons swoop down in their black helicopters and put a microchip in your butt--then it's pretty much over, dude!

That's why they took Elvis out and broke up the Beatles...

Who do you think is behind this recession, anyway? That's right--a certain secret society bent on world domination through the banking system. It all started with zip codes: five digits, five fingers--they thought we wouldn't get it!

Now they've got bar codes...

It was all predicted in Nostradamus--but then he might have been in on it too.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "BATMAN BEGINS"!

For first time visitors, it is the policy of this blog to cover fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are pleased to welcome back a perennial favorite, Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor SHEGG-ay, our official film critic.

We must remind the reader that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whist chasing a squeaky toy and as a result has been known on occasion to transpose the plots of the films he discusses. Nevertheless, we believe that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.

This weekend, he has chosed to review the film Batman Begins.

It is our hope that features such as these will elevate the level of cultural discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC ON BATMAN BEGINS

OK, like this is an awesome movie and it's kind of deep too. There's this guy, Bruce Wayne, who turns out to be Batman. But he wasn't always Batman, see? He was once a little kid whose parents left him alone when they went on vacation and these guys tried to break into the house.

If it wasn't for the little alien with the flying bicycle, he would have been in trouble.

While they were gone, lots of things happened. He turned into this English woman with lots of sisters and went to a ball. There was a guy there named Mr. Darcy Vader, who seemed like a scary rich dork. But Batman/English woman eventually thought she might have been wrong about him and that he wasn't such a dork after all.

That's where it really got cool. Mr. Darcy Vader turned out to be his real dad and he had to fight him anyway with light sabres. The marriage was off.

When it was all over, he does this big power point on how the world is getting hotter.

This movie asks tough questions like who are you and like can you act one way and say you really are another way. I don't know about that.

Can I have some popcorn now?

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: INTRODUCING THE SELF HELP GURU ROOSTER

For first time visitors, it is the policy of this blog to cover fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

In our ceaseless efforts to bring only the very best to our readers, we continually seek for the best and brightest animal commentators. This weekend, we are pleased to introduce Self Help Guru Rooster. Self Help Guru Rooster is a motivational speaker who claims to have advised many business and civil leaders with his message of positive thinking and prosperity.

Ordinarily, he charges very high fees for his seminars, but for a limited time only he has agreed to share his secrets with Goat Rope readers on the condition that the hens stay around.

(Disclaimer: we assume no liability for the consequences of anyone who acts upon his advice or that of any GR commentator.)

It is our hope that (bio) diverse features such as this will elevate the level of discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL!

You know what? You can have everything you want all the time! All you gotta do is want it.

I'm living proof. See how good looking I am? That's cause I wanna be that way. And anything I want is right there. When I walk around the yard, there's grass and bugs and worms whenever I want them. And when I want grain, there's some of that too. When I concentrate real hard, sometimes somebody throws an apple core.

And there are fuzzy hens too! There's like a gray one and a white one and a black one. And they're just there all the time.

You too can have all this. I know what your thinking--there's no way you could have it all like I do. That's what's holding you back: your negative mental attitude.

Take it from me. I used to be a loser like you. Actually, I don't think I was. OK, forget that part. Just get out there and start scratching around the yard and stick your face right down in the mud and manure and you too will find all kinds of grass and bugs and worms. Just like me!

Just leave the hens alone.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS A CURE FOR WINTER BLUES

For first time readers, this blog generally discusses fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are not altogether pleased to feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. The views expressed by this contributor and other talking animals are not necessarily those of the staff of Goat Rope, nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon these views. In fact, we believe that doing so would be a particularly bad idea in this case.

Despite our reservations, we have decided to run this commentary because of our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear. It is our hope that providing space for the expression (bio) diverse viewpoints will promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE ON CURING WINTERTIME BLUES

Hey you--with the face. C'mere. You look like hell. I think you got a case of SAD. That stands for Sorry @$$ Dude--I mean Seasonal Affective Disorder. This winter weather must be killing you. You look kind of dead already.

I won't even talk about shrinkage...

Look at me--see any snow here? Do I look like an icicle? I'm warm as can be. I have this special force field all around me that keeps me nice and toasty. I got my own sunshine.

You know how I do it? I got this special ointment, see. It's made from platypus urea--a top secret recipe. All I gotta do is rub a little on me and it's permanent springtime. You could use a little of that.

Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I've got a little vial on me. I'll let you try it free. Let's see...where did I put it. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth.

All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just a little bit. Come on, go ahead. Just for a second...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! OK, fine--I hope you shrivel up and freeze! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE CANINE FILM CRITIC ON "CHRISTMAS STORY"

Goat Rope is pleased to offer a special repeat Christmas edition of one of the canine film critic's finest reviews. In this holiday feature, Goat Rope Farm film critic Sandor Sege (pronounced Shandor Shegg-AY) will discuss the perennial seasonal favorite, "A Christmas Story."

Once again, we must remind our readers that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury from crashing into a wall whilst chasing a squeaky toy. As a result, he has on occasion been known to transpose the plots of the films he discusses. Nevertheless, we believe that his insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.

It is our hope that features such as these will elevate the level of public discourse and contribute to a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

And finally, the human and animal staff of Goat Rope, with the possible exception of the goats, join in wishing you and yours a happy holiday season.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS "A CHRISTMAS STORY"

OK, so this movie is awesome. Some people may not think this movie needs explaining by a film critic but there's a lot going on there that you might not get at first.

First, there's this kid who wants a BB gun for Christmas so bad it's driving him nuts. But everybody keeps telling him he'll put his eye out with it.

What they don't know is that he really needs this BB gun because this evil robot from the future who looks like some kind of muscle governor is coming back and trying to kill him.

The evil robot catches the kid and puts him in a prison down south where he makes friends with everybody by eating 50 eggs.

I could probably eat 50 eggs if Moomus and Doodus would let me...

The 50 eggs is sort of a symbol for the 12 days of Christmas. Fifty is like the square root of twelve.

Anyway, he escapes from New York and these Christmas ghosts show him what's going to happen to him if he doesn't straighten up. So then he trades in his BB gun and buys Christmas presents for everybody, even the evil robot whose name is Tiny Tim, who gets the girl that works at the fashion magazine.

It's awesome, especially if you eat eggs and popcorn while you watch it.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: SUBLIME

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE FELINE ZEN MASTER RETURNS

For first time visitors, this blog normally covers fairly serious topics during the week. Weekends are reserved for various animal commentators in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This week we a pleased to feature another Dharma talk by a cat. Our guest claims to have mastered a particularly austere form of Zen Buddhism. His formal name is Neko-Roshi, which is loosely translated from the Japanese as "Cat Master."

It is our hope that features such as this elevate the cultural discourse of our times and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE MASTER SPEAKS

I have once again come to guide hapless humans to the path of Enlightenment. Perhaps you do not realize that felines are among the most advanced practitioners of the most excellent Dharma, devoting as we do some 20 hours a day to meditation.

Humans who cultivate wisdom, ethics, and compassion and venerate the glorious Feline Vehicle may hope to be reborn as cats.

As is the case with other schools of Buddhism, the Feline Vehicle is based upon compassion and the desire to liberate all beings from suffering. We especially desire to liberate little beings, such as birds, ground squirrels, mice, baby rabbits, some insects, lizards, and small snakes from endless suffering the the transitory realm of birth and death.

If we were bigger, we might even try to liberate you...

When we are bored, we even practice by trying to liberate strings, cat toys, and little objects we can bat around.

We have discovered through intense meditation that these small creatures suffer more intensely than others and when we liberate them--especially when we take our time and really enjoy it--they are immediately reborn in the Pure Land of endless bliss.

Not so for us. We have taken a sterner path and have taken the Bodhisattva vow that we will refrain from entering Nirvana until we have liberated all such little helpless beings. Or at least a whole lot of them.

Now I have but one favor to ask of you. Would you please tell the woman who lives in this house that it is very bad karma to keep me inside when there are dozens of hungry birds hopping around in the winter?

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: A DOG EXPLAINS "ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW"

For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we once again welcome back Mr. Sandor Sege (pronounced Shardor Shegg-AY), our offical film critic.

We must remind the reader that Mr. Sege suffered a head injury when he crashed into a wall whilst chasing a squeaky toy. As a result, he has sometimes been known to transpose the plots of the movies he discusses. Nevertheless, we believe that his unique insights into the world of cinema more than compensate for this regrettable shortcoming.

This weekend, Mr. Sege will discuss The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

THE CANINE FILM CRITIC EXPLAINS ROCKY HORROR

OK, this movie is like a documentary or something. These two people named Brad and Janet have car trouble and have to walk to this castle where there's all these weird people walking around in underwear and singing.

Sometimes Moomus does that.

The weirdest person in the castle is Frankenfurter, who is like this guy from India trying to lead his country to independence. He wears robes and makes people march for salt and get beat up.

I like salt on popcorn but not as much as butter. If I was going to get beat up, I'd rather do it for butter.

Anyway, Frankenfurter wants to be all peaceful with the British until he gets kicked out of Cuba. Then he becomes like this big drug dealer guy who uses the same word over and over and has white powder all over his face.

I guess it's salt.

He goes on this big adventure to get his bicycle back after somebody steals it, does a tequila dance in a motorcycle bar, and winds up with his girlfriend Dotty after he gets his bike back. They make a movie about it but it's like a movie in a movie.

There's a lot of symbolism in this movie. The bicycle stands for liberation and you have to give up a lot of salt or something to get it.

Doodus says he likes the parts where the hot nun sings. Moomus says she's not a nun in this movie and that Doodus is a dork.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE FORTUNETELLER RETURNS!

Note for first time visitors: It is the policy of this blog to cover fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we once again welcome Madame Ouspenskaya, a noted fortune teller.

(Note: any resemblence between Madame Ouspenskaya and Sandor Sege, GR's canine film critic is purely coincidental.)

As a result of a massive technological upgrade, Goat Rope is able to provide what is probably the blogosphere's first and only animal-provided fortune service. To access this feature, simply place the palm of your hand on the computer screen and then scroll down to receive your reading.

Note: If you just scroll down without first holding your hand to the screen, the results will be invalid. And, yes, that means you. OK, fine, be that way if you want to but don't blame us.

MADAME OUSPENSKAYA SPEAKS

You are a person of many contrasts, strong yet vulnerable. From the lines on your hand I can see that you like getting things you want, but dislike it when unpleasant things happen to you.

When you have nothing to occupy your time and interest, you become bored, which is something a complicated person such as yourself finds tedious.

When you are in pain, you would like relief from suffering. Yet you would prefer pleasant sensations to continue.

You may become angry when treated in an insulting or degrading manner. When startled, you may become surprised. When confronted with something that is really gross and vile, you may become disgusted.

A unique personality such as yours will find sadness to be depressing.

Here is my prediction for you. Much of your life will take place in time and space. Throughout the rest of it, you will seek out and hope for things that seem good to you and try to avoid terrible things, not always with success. Your relations with others will vary from good to bad. Some days will be better than others. In a temporal sense, you will be more immediately affected by things that will happen sooner than later, although later events will seem as if they happen in the present when you get there.

This above all: you should be generous in giving edible treats to anyone who advises you regarding your future.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED