The guest in question is a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile.
(For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious topics during the week but provides space during the weekend for various animal commentators.)
Due to our profound commitment to the First Amendment (although the extent to which it applies to animals is unclear), we will allow this creature to have his say despite our many reservations. However, we will assume no liability for anyone who chooses to follow his advice.
THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE PROMISES HEALTH
Jeez, you look like hell! What happened to you anyway?
Are you sure you’re still alive? There are buzzards circling over your head…
Man, there’s only one hope for you. You need a shot of ol’ Doctor Tortuga’s Pick-Me-Up--fast.
And you know what? Today is your lucky day. I just so happens I’ve got some on me. Yeah. I try to keep some on hand in case I run into anyone as pathetic looking as you.
Let me tell you about it…it’s all natural, made from secret ingredients. It’s guaranteed to heal all diseases and injuries, correct genetic defects, and protect you from meteor showers and lightning.
It makes you look real attractive too. Makes you look younger if you’re old and old enough not to be carded if you’re young. Makes you gain weight if you’re too skinny and lose it if you’re too fat.
It’s strong stuff. Comes in a tiny little bottle.
I’ve got one right here in the back of my mouth. And today only, it’s free. No smackeroos.
Why don’t you just reach right in and help yourself. Just reach in there part way for a second…
Hey! Where are you going? I hope you rot! You’re worm-chow, buddy! I hate you!
GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED