October 27, 2007

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS WEIGHT LOSS



For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we once more with some hesitation feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and who is known simply as The Untrustworthy Reptile. We do not endorse his message nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon his suggestions. Indeed, it is only by virtue of our deep commitment to the First Amendment (although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is unclear) that we agreed, however reluctantly, to run this feature.

It is our deepest hope that by providing space for the expression of (bio) diverse viewpoints that we can elevate the level of discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS PAIN FREE WEIGHT LOSS

Hey you...yeah, you...the fat one. C'mere. Man, I feel the earth shake when you walk.

You are one porkerino--I bet you got your own zip code! A little bit more of dragging that carcass around and you're gonna be buzzard chow. No wonder you can't get any dates...

You know what you need? You need to lose some weight--fast. And I got just the thing for you. It's a special recipe made from centipede mucus. All you gotta do is rub a little bit of it on your bloated self. Then you can just sit back and watch the pounds melt away. And the best part is you can eat and drink anything you want! Guzzle down all the beer and pizza you can hold.

Did I mention it lowers cholesterol and reduces risk of heart disease, stroke, shark attack, and parking tickets? Well, it does!

I tell you what--since you are so pathetic looking I'm gonna give it to you free. I keep some in the back of my mouth in a little vial at all times. One little dose and you're set for life.

All you gotta do is reach in and help yourself. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just for a second and then it'll all be good...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here, you stupid blimp! OK, fine, pop open and rot! See if I care! I hate you!


GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

3 comments:

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Centipede mucus? Are you kidding? Actually, I am thinking of eating a nice bowel of soup made from a reptile having a bony shell and flipper-like limbs for swimming. The churches here in Louisville often have dinners in the autumn featuring that soap.

El Cabrero said...

Hi Nick,
When I was a kid, an old hillbilly told me that turtle meat tasted like the meat of seven different animals. Have you ever heard that one?

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

So I’ve been told. Actually, I can’t really taste the meat, just the spices. And, now I understand, most of the church Turtle Soap Suppers use “mock turtle” meat—chicken—to make their soups.