August 18, 2007

WEEKEND SPECIAL: RETURN OF THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE



For first time readers, this blog usually comes out six days per week and generally covers semi serious issues on weekdays. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

It is with some trepidation that we once again feature the comments of a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile.

Committed as we are to the principles of free speech, although the extent to which it applies to animals is not clear, we feel we have no choice but to publish his comments. However, the views expressed by the Untrustworthy Reptile or any other talking animal are not necessarily those of the Goat Rope staff and we assume no liability or responsibility for those who choose to act upon their advice.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS A MAKEOVER

You know why you're such a flop? Why your self esteem is in the sceptic tank? I do. You look like hell!

I've crawled over better looking dead carp.

Know what you need to be a success? You need a makeover. A simple skin cream that you can just rub on your face. It's made from secret ingredients, all natural. One little treatment and you'll look like a brand new person. People will go nuts about you. You'll get a big fat promotion. All kinds of hot people will start throwing themselves at you.

It'll be awesome...

Want some? No problem! Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I have some on me right now. It's right here in my mouth. Way back there.

All you gotta to do is just reach right in there and get it. Go ahead. Just part way for a second is all it'll take. I'll say ahhhhhh....

Hey, where are you going? Come on back here! Do you want to be a loser forever? Fine, be that way! Go ahead and look like a dead carp forever--see if I care!

I hate you!


GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

2 comments:

brecht said...

How can you be so sure he's untrustworthy when you never actually reach in his mouth?

He does sound kind of bitter, but maybe that's just a reaction to never being trusted.

El Cabrero said...

That's pretty much my dilemma in a nutshell. Plus, there's an old hillbilly superstition that a snapper won't let go until it thunders and we've been kinda dry out here.