WEEKEND SPECIAL: MORE ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN FROM A PEACOCK

For first time readers of Goat Rope, it is our policy to cover semi-serious public issues during the week.

The gratuitous animal pictures are just kind of there.

However, the weekend editions are reserved for the commentaries of the talking animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

The opinions expressed by these talking animals are not necessarily those of the Goat Rope staff, nor will we assume any liability for the consequences of those who act upon their advice.

Nonetheless, it is our deepest hope that by providing space for (bio) diverse viewpoints, we are elevating the level of public discourse and promoting a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

This weekend, we are pleased to once again welcome Ferdinand the peacock, our very own gangster of love, who will offer advice to the lonely and lovelorn.

FERDINAND'S ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN

Dear Ferdinand,

Why are men such jerks? I'm looking for a serious relationship but so many guys I know are immature and/or self-absorbed. Even if one is smart or cute or funny, there's always a downside. What qualities do you think are most important for a prospective partner?

Signed,
Frustrated in Fairmont

Dear Frustrated,

You silly, silly, silly little woman, why do you ask such an obvious question? There is and can only be one and only one quality upon which you must decide.

And what is that quality, do you ask? I will tell you. It is display. A female should always and only fling herself at the feet of the male with the most glorious display.

Always cast your eye on the poofing of the feathers and listen for their seductive rustle and you will feel your silly little human heart grow delirious with the delectable delights of love.

Trust my words and you too will drink the ambrosia of Aphrodite...

Ferdinand

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED