WEEKEND SPECIAL: ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN FROM A PEACOCK

For first time readers, Goat Rope is a public affairs blog that comes out six days per week.

During weekdays, it features fairly serious items about current events, economic justice, politics, culture and all that.

With gratuitous animal pictures...

However, during the weekend, it is our policy to feature guest commentary from animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

The views expressed by these talking animals are not necessarily those of the Goat Rope staff (although they might be).

It is our hope that by providing this space for (bio) diverse viewpoints, we are elevating the discourse of our time and promoting a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

This weekend, we are pleased to introduce a new commentator, Ferdinand the Love Peacock, who will answer questions posed by the lovelorn.

(Note: we assume no liability for the consequences of anyone who acts upon his advice.)

FERDINAND'S ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN

Dear Ferdinand,

I'm writing because I'm lonely and have a hard time meeting people. I'm so shy that the thought of asking for a date makes me dry-heave. Plus, I'm really awkward around women and when I get nervous I compulsively pick my nose, sweat, and make all kinds of involuntary body noises.

Can you please help me?

Signed,

Hopeless in Hamlin

Dear Hopeless,

I feel sorry for you, my silly little human friend. But lucky for you I am here. Only one word is needed to solve your problem. That word is display.

Look at me in the picture. I am lovely, am I not? Who could resist one such as me?

This is what you must do. The next time you are in the presence of a likely partner--and one can never be sure one is not around--you must poof up your tail feathers. Then you must rattle them and rotate like a Spanish dancer. The sight and sound of this drives the females wild with passion.

Now, here is the thing. Since one can never tell exactly who a likely partner is, you must display often and to anyone or anything. I have displayed to a cat, chickens, goats, dogs, people, trees, and even many inanimate objects. Displaying is my spiritual practice. Sooner or later, the arrow of love will find its mark.

Best wishes,

Ferdinand the Love Peacock

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED