A little good news

Congratulations to the United Mine Workers of America for reaching a settlement with Patriot Coal that preserves some of the benefits promised to retired miners. Details of the settlement aren't available yet. The company was formed from holdings from the Arch and Peabody coal companies. Many observers contend, with the union, that Patriot was set up to fail as a way of getting rid of promised benefits to retired union miners.

Despite an unfavorable ruling by a federal judge in May, the union kept up the pressure and protests, even as its leaders continued to try to reach a negotiated agreement.

Lots of us who sympathized with the miners were also concerned about the precedence this bankruptcy deal would set. The obvious question was, "Who's next?"

I'm glad they held the line.

MANDATORY MINIMUMS. Here's Politico on US Attorney General Eric Holder's proposal for sentencing reform.

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES. Here are the latest hijinks from the WV Attorney General's office.

FESS UP. OK, who smuggled this snapping turtle into Germany? It has to be a Goat Rope reader. I even tremble to think that the turtle in question might be this Goat Rope contributor.

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

A blast from the past

(Note: while combing through the Goat Rope archives, I came across this post from a couple years ago that seemed appropriate for this time of year. El Cabrero is all about recycling.)

For first time readers, this blog generally discusses fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are not altogether pleased to feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. The views expressed by this contributor and other talking animals are not necessarily those of the staff of Goat Rope, nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon these views. In fact, we believe that doing so would be a particularly bad idea in this case.

Despite our reservations, we have decided to run this commentary because of our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear. It is our hope that providing space for the expression (bio) diverse viewpoints will promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE ON CURING WINTERTIME BLUES

Hey you--with the face. C'mere. You look like hell. I think you got a case of SAD. That stands for Sorry @$$ Dude--I mean Seasonal Affective Disorder. This winter weather must be killing you. You look kind of dead already.

I won't even talk about shrinkage...

Look at me--see any snow here? Do I look like an icicle? I'm warm as can be. I have this special force field all around me that keeps me nice and toasty. I got my own sunshine.

You know how I do it? I got this special ointment, see. It's made from platypus urea--a top secret recipe. All I gotta do is rub a little on me and it's permanent springtime. You could use a little of that.

Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I've got a little vial on me. I'll let you try it free. Let's see...where did I put it. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth.

All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just a little bit. Come on, go ahead. Just for a second...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! OK, fine--I hope you shrivel up and freeze! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

Weekend special--the untrustworthy reptile returns

Editor's note: It is the policy of this blog on occasion to provide space for the contributions of several of the animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This holiday weekend we are not entirely pleased to note the return of one such commentator, a snapping turtle who declines to give his name and is known only as The Untrustworthy Reptile. We hesitate to take this step but feel compelled to do so given our strong commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to animals is unclear.

We must also once again remind the reader that the management of this blog assumes no liability for anyone who actually takes the advice of any such animal.

(Regular posts will resume Monday, Nov. 30 if the creek don't rise too high.)

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS CURE FOR HOLIDAY OVEREATING

Hey you there. Yeah, the one who looks like a blimp with feet. Jeez, you look like you're about to pop. Looks like somebody's had their snout in the trough a little too long.

Lucky for you I'm here. I have a simple remedy for overeating that'll take away that bloated feeling and make you look like a human again, not that that's any great shakes. It also fights aging and tooth decay and makes you irresistible to people you think are hot.

Let me see...where did I put that. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's in my mouth. Way back there. All you gotta do is put your fingers part way in just for a second or two. Come on, reach right in there just for a little second...

Hey! Where are you going! Come back here! I hope you do pop--I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS A CURE FOR WINTER BLUES

For first time readers, this blog generally discusses fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the contributions of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we are not altogether pleased to feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. The views expressed by this contributor and other talking animals are not necessarily those of the staff of Goat Rope, nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon these views. In fact, we believe that doing so would be a particularly bad idea in this case.

Despite our reservations, we have decided to run this commentary because of our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear. It is our hope that providing space for the expression (bio) diverse viewpoints will promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE ON CURING WINTERTIME BLUES

Hey you--with the face. C'mere. You look like hell. I think you got a case of SAD. That stands for Sorry @$$ Dude--I mean Seasonal Affective Disorder. This winter weather must be killing you. You look kind of dead already.

I won't even talk about shrinkage...

Look at me--see any snow here? Do I look like an icicle? I'm warm as can be. I have this special force field all around me that keeps me nice and toasty. I got my own sunshine.

You know how I do it? I got this special ointment, see. It's made from platypus urea--a top secret recipe. All I gotta do is rub a little on me and it's permanent springtime. You could use a little of that.

Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I've got a little vial on me. I'll let you try it free. Let's see...where did I put it. Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth.

All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just a little bit. Come on, go ahead. Just for a second...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! OK, fine--I hope you shrivel up and freeze! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS WEIGHT LOSS

For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious human issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, we once more with some hesitation feature a commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and who is known simply as The Untrustworthy Reptile. We do not endorse his message nor do we assume any liability for those who act upon his suggestions. Indeed, it is only by virtue of our deep commitment to the First Amendment (although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is unclear) that we agreed, however reluctantly, to run this feature.

It is our deepest hope that by providing space for the expression of (bio) diverse viewpoints that we can elevate the level of discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS PAIN FREE WEIGHT LOSS

Hey you...yeah, you...the fat one. C'mere. Man, I feel the earth shake when you walk.

You are one porkerino--I bet you got your own zip code! A little bit more of dragging that carcass around and you're gonna be buzzard chow. No wonder you can't get any dates...

You know what you need? You need to lose some weight--fast. And I got just the thing for you. It's a special recipe made from centipede mucus. All you gotta do is rub a little bit of it on your bloated self. Then you can just sit back and watch the pounds melt away. And the best part is you can eat and drink anything you want! Guzzle down all the beer and pizza you can hold.

Did I mention it lowers cholesterol and reduces risk of heart disease, stroke, shark attack, and parking tickets? Well, it does!

I tell you what--since you are so pathetic looking I'm gonna give it to you free. I keep some in the back of my mouth in a little vial at all times. One little dose and you're set for life.

All you gotta do is reach in and help yourself. Just stick your hand part way in there for a second. Just for a second and then it'll all be good...

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here, you stupid blimp! OK, fine, pop open and rot! See if I care! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE RETURNS

Note for first time visitors: It is the policy of this blog to comment on fairly serious issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

(We are not implying, however, that the commentaries of these animals are not worthy of serious consideration.)

This weekend, it is with some hesitation that we feature another commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. We do not endorse this commentary and indeed refuse to accept liability or responsibility for those who follow his advice. It is only our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear, that leads us to permit its publication.

It is our deepest hope that the expression of (bio)diverse viewpoints will elevate the level of public discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS POWER

Hey you--with the face. C'mere.

Jeez, you look puny. No wonder everybody picks on you all the time and you don't get any respect. You're kinda like a wet kleenex.

I bet nobody pays attention to you or what you say. You probably got about as much clout as a dead earthworm.

Know what you need? I'll tell you--you need a jolt of mojo. Something that'll make people sit up and take notice. Something that will tell the world you're not going to get pushed around any more.

I know just the thing. It's this special mojo ointment made from Komodo dragon tears. You just rub on a little and you get instant respect. It's like a chemical thing. There's no defense against it.

As a matter of fact, I have a little jar on me. Let me think...where did I put it?

Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth. Way back there a little bit. Go ahead, help yourself. Just reach right in there and get it. Just reach in part way for a second...

Hey, where are you going? Come back here! You don't want to be a loser forever, do you?

Fine--be a doormat. See if I care. I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: RETURN OF THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE

For first time readers, this blog usually comes out six days per week and generally covers semi serious issues on weekdays. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

It is with some trepidation that we once again feature the comments of a snapping turtle who refuses to give his name and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile.

Committed as we are to the principles of free speech, although the extent to which it applies to animals is not clear, we feel we have no choice but to publish his comments. However, the views expressed by the Untrustworthy Reptile or any other talking animal are not necessarily those of the Goat Rope staff and we assume no liability or responsibility for those who choose to act upon their advice.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS A MAKEOVER

You know why you're such a flop? Why your self esteem is in the sceptic tank? I do. You look like hell!

I've crawled over better looking dead carp.

Know what you need to be a success? You need a makeover. A simple skin cream that you can just rub on your face. It's made from secret ingredients, all natural. One little treatment and you'll look like a brand new person. People will go nuts about you. You'll get a big fat promotion. All kinds of hot people will start throwing themselves at you.

It'll be awesome...

Want some? No problem! Today is your lucky day. It just so happens that I have some on me right now. It's right here in my mouth. Way back there.

All you gotta to do is just reach right in there and get it. Go ahead. Just part way for a second is all it'll take. I'll say ahhhhhh....

Hey, where are you going? Come on back here! Do you want to be a loser forever? Fine, be that way! Go ahead and look like a dead carp forever--see if I care!

I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE RETURNS

For first time visitors, it is the policy of this blog to deal with fairly serious issues during the week. Most of the time.

During the weekend, however, it is our practice to provide space for various animal commentators in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This weekend, it is with some hesitation that we present another feature by an itinerant snapping turtle who declines to give his full name and is known only as The Untrustworthy Reptile.

We do not believe that this creature has the best interests of our readers at heart. Indeed, it is only by reason of our strong commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is unclear, that we allow his views to be published at all.

Above all, it is our hope that features such as this will permit the expression of (bio)diverse viewpoints and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

We must add the following disclaimer: the views expressed by animal commentators are not necessarily those of the Goat Rope staff nor do we assume liability for the consequence of anyone acting upon their advice.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE PROMISES WEALTH

Hey you! Yeah, you...with the face. C'mere.

Jeez, you look pretty seedy. You could use some new threads. And that hair! What kind of junk heap are you driving anyway?

Looks like you need some cash. No problem. I can hook you up. I got this friend who works for the lottery, see. We were in school together. He owes me one. And you know what? He told me what the next Power Ball number was going to be. I got it written down.

If you had that, you could be a millionaire and wouldn't look like such a loser. I'm feeling generous today. Tell you what, I'm gonna give you the number. Then all you gotta do is go to the Go Mart and get rich.

It's right here. In my mouth. All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. Way back. Just reach in part way for a second. That's all it'll take. Come on, do it!

Hey! Where are you going? Come back here! Loser! Candy @$$! Wuss! I hope you starve! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: MORE FROM THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE

Note to first time readers: It is the policy of this blog to offer fairly serious material during the week. During the weekend, however, we open this space to various animal commentators in and around Goat Rope Farm.

This week, with some admitted angst and trepidation, we once again feature commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to personally identify himself and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile.

The Goat Rope staff would like to stress that his inclusion in this space is by no means an endorsement of his opinions. Further, we will accept no liability for the consequences of anyone who chooses to follow his advice.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS SPIRITUAL ADVICE

Hey you! Yeah, you, Zombie Head. Know what your problem is? You need peace of mind. Yeah. Yeah. Like spiritual enlightenment or something. It'll give you immortality and you won't have to be reborn as mammal, which is like the TOTAL worst thing to be.

I got just the thing for you. It's a...ummm...Secret Teaching. Yeah, a secret spiritual teaching. Once you understand, you get your mind straightened up and you can have anything you want. Some people might even like you.

I just happen to have the thing for you. It's like a Lost Gospel or something. Forget all the other ones--this is all you need. You'll be blissed out for eons.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you where it is. It's right here in my mouth, back in there a little ways.

All you gotta do is reach in there and get it. That's all. Just reach part way in for a second. Yeah, part way for a second.

Hey! Where are you going? Wuss! Come back here! Fine--you're gonna sizzle and pop in hell! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED

WEEKEND SPECIAL: A VISIT FROM THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE

Goat Rope is not entirely pleased to note the return of one of its weekend animal commentators.

The guest in question is a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile.

(For first time visitors, this blog generally covers fairly serious topics during the week but provides space during the weekend for various animal commentators.)

Due to our profound commitment to the First Amendment (although the extent to which it applies to animals is unclear), we will allow this creature to have his say despite our many reservations. However, we will assume no liability for anyone who chooses to follow his advice.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE PROMISES HEALTH

Jeez, you look like hell! What happened to you anyway?

Are you sure you’re still alive? There are buzzards circling over your head…

Man, there’s only one hope for you. You need a shot of ol’ Doctor Tortuga’s Pick-Me-Up--fast.

And you know what? Today is your lucky day. I just so happens I’ve got some on me. Yeah. I try to keep some on hand in case I run into anyone as pathetic looking as you.

Let me tell you about it…it’s all natural, made from secret ingredients. It’s guaranteed to heal all diseases and injuries, correct genetic defects, and protect you from meteor showers and lightning.

It makes you look real attractive too. Makes you look younger if you’re old and old enough not to be carded if you’re young. Makes you gain weight if you’re too skinny and lose it if you’re too fat.

It’s strong stuff. Comes in a tiny little bottle.

I’ve got one right here in the back of my mouth. And today only, it’s free. No smackeroos.

Why don’t you just reach right in and help yourself. Just reach in there part way for a second…

Hey! Where are you going? I hope you rot! You’re worm-chow, buddy! I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED