WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE RETURNS

Note for first time visitors: It is the policy of this blog to comment on fairly serious issues during the week. Weekends, however, are reserved for the commentaries of various animals in and around Goat Rope Farm.

(We are not implying, however, that the commentaries of these animals are not worthy of serious consideration.)

This weekend, it is with some hesitation that we feature another commentary by a snapping turtle who refuses to identify himself and is known only as the Untrustworthy Reptile. We do not endorse this commentary and indeed refuse to accept liability or responsibility for those who follow his advice. It is only our deep commitment to the First Amendment, although the extent to which it applies to reptiles is not clear, that leads us to permit its publication.

It is our deepest hope that the expression of (bio)diverse viewpoints will elevate the level of public discourse and promote a greater appreciation of both the humanities and the animalities.

THE UNTRUSTWORTHY REPTILE OFFERS POWER

Hey you--with the face. C'mere.

Jeez, you look puny. No wonder everybody picks on you all the time and you don't get any respect. You're kinda like a wet kleenex.

I bet nobody pays attention to you or what you say. You probably got about as much clout as a dead earthworm.

Know what you need? I'll tell you--you need a jolt of mojo. Something that'll make people sit up and take notice. Something that will tell the world you're not going to get pushed around any more.

I know just the thing. It's this special mojo ointment made from Komodo dragon tears. You just rub on a little and you get instant respect. It's like a chemical thing. There's no defense against it.

As a matter of fact, I have a little jar on me. Let me think...where did I put it?

Oh yeah, I remember now. It's right here in my mouth. Way back there a little bit. Go ahead, help yourself. Just reach right in there and get it. Just reach in part way for a second...

Hey, where are you going? Come back here! You don't want to be a loser forever, do you?

Fine--be a doormat. See if I care. I hate you!

GOAT ROPE ADVISORY LEVEL: ELEVATED